Blogging. I did pretty good there for about a month, and then I just fell off the wagon. I feel like nothing has been happening, while simultaneously running around like a maniac because I’m so busy. It’s a failure of my own imagination, really. I’m probably not as busy as I think. My life is also probably more interesting than I’ve stopped to pay any attention to.
Can I be vague for a minute? I’m going to be vague.
Life has been feeling very “almost, but not quite” lately, if that means anything to anyone other than me.
I almost figure out a workable exercise schedule, but there is always something that seems to get in the way of making it work. And I try to work around it until I’m just tired of manhandling time for myself out of D’s schedule and the girls’ schedule and my own sleep and work and parenting schedule until I just quit because I’m tired of fighting it. Until the next time I decide that I loathe my body enough to give it another go. (Also, I need to stop with the body loathing – it’s starting to rub off on Ms. B., which is just one more thing for me to feel horrible about).
I don’t know. Exercise is just an example.
We’re shopping for a house right now. We keep finding houses that are almost what we want, but there’s water in the basement, or the price is wrong, or the schools are wrong, or the neighborhood is too far south, or…. This past weekend we found a house that we both love, in our price range, on one of my favorite streets in town… but it’s on the Missouri side of the state line and sending both girls to private schools feels unworkable. I’m having a hard time not feeling discouraged about it. I wish I’d never seen that house. We can almost make it work. Except that we can’t.
Exercise and house shopping are just examples that I feel comfortable talking about in this public forum. Lately I feel like I have 8,000 problems that I can almost find a solution to. Except that I can’t.
I have a bad habit of always telling myself, “I’d be happy if….” If I was in better shape, if I had a job I actually cared about, if I had more time with my kids, if I didn’t have these goddamned student loans, if my laundry room wasn’t spilling out into my kitchen, if my car wasn’t having one catastrophe after another…. And the problem, of course, with that kind of thinking is that I get so bogged down by the mountain of shit that I feel I need to get through to make tomorrow better that I forget to stop and realize that today really isn’t so bad. And that just because one solution didn’t work out, doesn’t mean there isn’t one at all.
These are simple truths, but I’ve been having to remind myself of them a lot lately.
I didn’t blog for over a month, but I still had four posts that I started and never finished, just sitting here half-written, hidden from you in ‘draft’ form. I would start them with a vague idea of where I wanted to go, but the words wouldn’t come, or the idea wasn’t as good as I originally thought it was, or I got distracted by something else going on in my life. I almost blogged, but not quite.
This post is a mess, where I don’t know quite what I’m trying to say (something vaguely about moving through difficulties while still enjoying the moment? I’m not even sure), but I’m going to finish it anyway. If only so I remember what it feels like to finish something that wasn’t easy. I need that kind of tiny victory today.